1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up damnit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a wet-willy?"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occasionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
34. Play the accordion.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
1 Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2 Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five-day vacation requires one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
7.Your bathroom lines are 80 percent shorter.
8.You can open all your own jars.
9.Old friends don't give a crap whether you've lost or gained weight
10.Dry cleaners and hair-cutters don't rob you blind.
11.When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
12.Your ass is never a factor in job interviews.
13.All your orgasms are real.
14.A beer gut doesn't make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15.Guys in hockey masks don't attack you (unless you smash'em into the boards).
16.You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff everywhere you go.
17.You understand why Stripes is funny.
18.You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
19.Your last name stays put.
20.You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
21.When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
22.You can kill your own food.
23.The garage is all yours.
24.You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25.You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26.Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
27.You never have to clean the toilet.
28.You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes.
29.Sex never means worrying about your reputation.
30.Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she will still be your friend.
32.Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33.The National College Cheerleading Championships.
34.You don't have to shave below your neck.
35.None of your coworkers has the power to make you cry.
36.You don't have to curl up to a hairy ass every night.
37.If you're 34 and single nobody even notices.
38.You can write your name in the snow.
39.You can get into a non-trival pissing contest.
40.Everything on your face stays the same color.
41.Chocolate is just another snack.
42.You can be president. (In this lifetime)
43.You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
44.Flowers fix everything.
45.You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46.You get to think about sex 90 ercent of your waking hours.
47.You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48.Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
49.You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50.You can say anything("Wow, do my balls hurt!")and not worry about what people think.
51.Foreplay is optional.
52.Micheal Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53.Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk in the room.
54.You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55.You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
56.You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57.Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58.You don't give a rat's ass if anyone notices your new haircut.
59.You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.
60.The world is your urinal.
61.You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover's about to leave you.
62.Flatulance becomes a sport.
63.Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64.One mood, all the time!
65.You can admire Clint Eastwood with out starving yourself to look like him.
66.You never have to drive on to another gas station just because this one is just too skeevy.
67.You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68.You can sit with your knee's apart no matter what your wearing.
69.Same work...More pay!
70.Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
71.You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
72.Wedding dress:$2000 Tuxedo rental $75
73.You don't care if someone's talking about you behind your back.
74.With 400 million sperm per shoot, you could double the Earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off other peoples desserts.
76. If you retain water it's in a canteen.
77. The remote control is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to them.
79. ESPN's Sportscenter
80. You can drop by a friend without having to bring a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You don't need to pretend your "freshening up" when you go to the bathroom.
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he wont tell your other friends you've changed.
86. someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase "Fuck it".
88. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might just become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your not in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical doesn't work, you can bash it with a hammer or throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So ...notice anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There's always a game on somewhere.
Nuff said?
Q: What's the most popular pick-up line used in a gay bar?
A: Can I push your stool in?
Submitted By : MARKY
A man walks into a pub with a pig under his arm, asks the barman for two pints. The barman say's "sorry mate, but we don't serve pigs in here".
The pig turn to his mate and said "I told you so, Now go and fuck off and let me drink in peace".
Submitted By : LUVVERSUCKER
Three men walk into a bar, the fourth man ducks
Submitted By : bs
Q.What is the difference between a golfball,and a G-spot?
A. A man will spend twenty-minutes looking for a golfball.
Submitted By : Roxxxy
What do you call a female dinosaur?
Clitorus
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus
So one sperm says to the other, "how far is it til the ovaries?"
The other says, "relax, we just passed her tonsils."
Why does it take it hundreds of millions of sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because they never stop to ask for directions.
Submitted By : ~ha-y-n girl~
What happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller
Submitted By : Sambo
3 Guys are standing around talking about how big their cocks are. Finally, the first guy says "alright, lets settle this. We'll all go to the top of the empire state building,and whoever's is hanging the lowest, wins."
The other guys agree and proceed to the empire state building. The first guy stands next to the edge and unzips his fly. It drops all the way down to the 57th floor. Second guy steps up, his drops clear down to the 32nd floor. They look over at the third guy and he's next to the edge sort of dancing around. "What the hell are you doing man!!??" asks the second guy.
"Dodging traffic" he says.
Submitted By : TEE-CEE
There was once a prostitute who had different rates depending upon the customer and she would distinguish them in 3 classes viz. -
$100 - sex on ground , $200 - sex on sofa , $300 - sex on bed.
One day ,three friends - Tom , Dick and Harry went to her for sex. First went Tom and he gave her $100 and said `I want it on the ground'.
She frowned but went on with the act. Then came Dick and he handed over $200 and she smiled and continued the act saying `Ah ,at last a man with some class.' Then came Harry and he handed over $300 . She got extremely happy and said `Oh ,at last a man with high class' but Harry shouted and said ` Damn the class , I want it 3 times on the ground'.
Submitted By : adilb78
A sandwich runs into a bar.
"Hey!" the bartender yells, "We don't serve food here!"
Submitted By : morbious8
A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?" His father looks up thoughtfully, and then says,"I'll display it to you. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then go ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then come back here and tell me what you've learned." The kid is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his father means. He asks his mother," Mom, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Robert Redford?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says," Don't tell your father, but, yes, I would." Then he goes up to his sister's roomand asks her," Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Brad Pitt?" His sister looks up and says," Omigod! Definitly!" The kid goes back to his father and says," Dad, I think I've figured it out. Potentially, we are sitting on two million bucks, but in reality, we are living with a couple of whores."
Submitted By : Barbie
Your wife is banging and yell to be let in at the front door.
Your dog is barking and scratching at the back door to be let in.
Who do you let in first?
The dog because if you let him in you know that he will shut the hell up.
Two men hunt to make a living so for six months out of the year they live in the same hunting shack. One day they said that enough is enough and they needed a day apart. One went west, one went east. That night they met back at the shack. one man asked the other one what he did that day.
He replied "I had a great day, I found a great stream went swimming, then laid out in the sun watched the sun set it was a great day." Then he asked his partner what he had done that day, and he replied "I found a woman tied to some train tracks and i untied her. Then we had sex all day we did everything that you can think of and then some."
Then his friend asked "Did you get a blowjob?"
He replied "No I couldn't find her head."
Submitted By : Smart Alex
Q: How do you know you have a high sperm count?
A: Your girlfriend chews before swallowing.
Submitted By : Air Tight
Question: What do two lesbians do on the rag?
Answer: They finger paint...
Submitted By : Matthew King
A nurse and a doctor met at a medical convention one day. Right away they hit it off quite well. As the day went on, they got to know each other better. They decided to go to lunch together.While they were waiting for lunch the Nurse excused herself to go to the ladies room to was her hands. When she got back, they ate lunch and chatted some more. Then just before they left, she excused herself again to go wash her hands. As the day went on, they decided that they would meet that night at his hotel room and get to know each other better. That night, when the Nurse first got there, she asked to use his wash room to wash her hands. Then she came out and they talked, kissed, petted and started getting really aroused. The finally moved their love making to the bedroom, but on the way there, the nurse stopped at the bathroom and washed her hands again. They had sex which the doctor found was very enjoyable. Afterwards, the nurse excused herself to wash her hands again.
When she came back to the bedroom, the doctor said, "I would bet any amount of money that you are a surgical nurse."
The nurse replied, "You are right. How did you know that?"
The doctor said, "It is obvious. You are constantly washing your hands."
The nurse said in reply, "And I would bet anything that you are an Anesthesiologist."
"Very good." replied the doctor. "How did you know that?"
The Nurse replied, "Because I didn't feel a thing."
Submitted By : Hubba Hubba
Johnny went to English class and the teacher said she wanted the students to tell the class something that was exciting. Johnny raised his hand up first, but he teacher called on Susy because Johnny's answers were sometimes crude. When Susy finished, the teacher asked for another example. Johnny raised his hand, and against her better judgement the teacher called on Johnny. Johnny got up from his desk and drew a dot on the board and went back to his desk. The teacher asked him, "What's that?" Johnny replied A period." The teacher asked him, "How's that exciting?" Johnny answered, " Well when my sister said she missed hers, my dad shit, my mom fainted and the bext door neighbor shot himself!"
Submitted By : Astreaux
Q. What's the definition of a perfect Aussie Cinderella?
A. One who fucks, sucks, and turns into a carton of stubbies at midnight.
Q. Why do farts smell?
A. For the benefit of the deaf.
Q. What do you call 400 tampons on a beach?
A. Club Med.
Q. Why are Pubic hairs curly?
A. So thay don't poke you in the eye.
Q. How do you bring up twins in the Northern Territory?
A. Stick two fingers down a Dingo's throat.
Q. What's the best thing to come out of Melbourne?
A. The road to Perth.
Q. What do women and hurracanes have in common?
A. They start off as a blow job and end up taking half your house.
Q. What do you get when you turn a Blonde upside down?
A. A Brunette with bad breath.
Q. Why did the girl fall off her bike?
A. Someone threw a brick at her.
Q. Why do women have foreheads?
A. So you've got somwhere to kiss them after you've come in their mouth.
Q. What do you call 365 condoms rolled up in a ball?
A. A Good Year.
Q. What's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?
A. A pussy is soft, warm and delightful and is owned by a cunt.
Q. How do you know you are getting good head?
A. When the sheets are being sucked up you arse.
Submitted By : Down Under Doug
If a man says something and there's no women around to hear him, is he still wrong ?
Submitted By : D-MAN
A man walks into a bar. Behind the bar is a sign which reads,
"Cheese Sandwiches - $2.00, Hand Jobs - $10.00".
The man approaches the bartender, which happens to be a beautiful blonde.
He clears his throat and asks,"Are you the woman who gives the hand jobs?".
She leans forward and says in a husky voice,"Why, yes I am."
The man then replies,"Well then, wash your fuckin' hands and fix me a cheese sandwich."
Submitted By : B.C.
A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf- mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.
"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."
Submitted By : A.J.
A man caught his son fucking his grandmother. Utterly flabbergasted, he asked his son what he thought he was doing. Not missing a stroke the son replied, 'I am just getting back at you, dad, you fucked my mom, I am fucking yours.
Submitted By : Perry Gups
A rather well-endowed Mother Superior was taking a bath at the convent.
There was a knock on the bathroom door.
"Who's there?" she asked.
"It's the blind man", came the reply.
"Alright - come on in", she calls back.
"Thanks" says the guy, enters, looks towards the Mother Superior and says - "Hey, nice tits - now, where do you want these blinds?"
Submitted By : White Shadow
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat"
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table"
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another.
After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
Submitted By : Vpuma
Q: Why do women talk more then men?
A: They have 4 lips
Submitted By : Anonymous
How do you get an old woman to say the F word?
Have another old lady yell BINGO!
Submitted By : Suz
One night Little Jonny goes to the bathroom. As he is walking down the hall he looks into his parents bedroom and see's the blankets going up and down. He says "Daddy, What are you doing?" Daddy replys, "Playing cards". Jonny says, "Who's your partner?" Daddy says, "Mommy". So little Jonny goes on to the bathroom. On the way back to his room he looks into his sisters room and see's the blankets going up and down. He say's to his sister, "Sis, what are you doing?" She says, "Playing cards". He says, "Who is your partner?" She says "My boy friend". So Little Jonny goes back to bed. Well his father is thinking about Little Jonny and him being up in the middle of the night, so he goes to check on him. When he enters Little Jonny's room he see'e the blankets going up and down. Dad ask's Little Jonny, "What are you doing?" and Little Jonny says, "Playing cards". Dad says "Who's your partner"? Little Jonny says to his dad "You don't need a partner if you got a good hand"!
Submitted By : Jim
A guy goes to hell. Upon arrival, he is greeted by Satan. Satan informs him of his situation and explains that he will have two choices for his punishment. First, Satan takes him to the boiler room. In there, the man sees people working shoveling coal into the boilers. They're all hot and completely miserable. Satan asks the man if this is where he would like to be; he replys with a resounding "No". Satan then takes him to his second choice. They arrive at a room full of people standing in shit. The smell is horrible, but everyone seems to be relatively happy. The man decides that this will be his eternal punishment. Satan says OK, get in the room. The man enters the room. Then, Satan says, OK, break's over, everybody back to standing on their heads.
Submitted By : happy
A guy comes home early from work one day to find his wife in bed with another man.
The husband exclaims, "hey, what are you two doing?
The wife turns to her startled lover and says, "See I told you he was stupid".
Submitted By : JIM
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, i bet you fifty dollars i can spit in a shot glass on the other side of the room, the bartender looks at the room and says you got a bet, so the guy hocks up a big lugi and spits it in the glass perfect, so the bartender pays the guy he gets a beer and go sits down by this other gent. so about 10mins later he goes back up there and says to the bartender, I bet you a hundred dollars that i can spit in a glass all the way down the hall by the bathrooms, so the bartender looks and says theres no way you can make that you got a bet, so the guy hocks another big lugi and spits and makes it perfect the bartender pays the man, he gets a beer and goes and sits down by the other guy. So about 15mins later he goes back up to the bar and says to the bartender, ill bet you 10,000 dollars that i can piss over you and fill a shot glass on the other side of the bar and not spill a drop, the bartender thinks about it and says ok, so the guy pulls out his tool and pisses all over the bartender and the bartender is laughing his ass of haha you owe me 10,000 dollars the guy looks at him and says, thats ok I bet that guy over there 20,000 that i could piss on you and you would laugh about it........
Submitted By : hahahoho
How Hot Is It In Hell? (A True Story from a Yale professor) A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with proof.
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since most people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Second, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Miss Theresa Banyan during my freshman year that 'It will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.
The student got the only A.
Submitted By : Bzer
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain ?
A: Gifted !
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells ?
A: Pregnant.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde ?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette ?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair ?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.
Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders ?
A: Because they can't even keep two calves together !
Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg ?
A: Nothing. They've never met.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink ?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables !
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain ?
A: After a dye job.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane ?
A1: She'd just dyed her hair.
A2: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up ?
A: To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger ?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What was the blonde psychic's greatest achievment ?
A: An IN-body experience !
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle ?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: What do Darren Millane (Collingwood footballer killed in a recent car crash) and a blonde have in common ?
A: Put either of 'em in a car and the're fucked.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme ?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up ?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle ?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks ?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer ?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer ?
A: There's writing on the white-out.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer ?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common ?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they go down on you.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer ?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get channel 9.
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads ?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno !
Q: How do you kill a blonde ?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears ?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello ?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head ?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles ?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas ?
A1: They can't find the zipper.
A2: They cant find the pull tab.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earrings ?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: Why do blondes where big hoop earrings ?
A: To put their feet through.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive ?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick ?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick ?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator ?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators ?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear ?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay ?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts ?
A: Cause their balls show !
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde ?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk !"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde ?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk !"
Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing ?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet ? A2: When is that blonde bitch going to leave !?
A3: "All the blondes have gone home !"
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs ?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: Why do blondes like the GST ? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde ?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shoes ?
A: Toes Go In First.
Q: Why do blondes have TGIF on their shirts ?
A: Tits Go In Front.
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side ?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes ?
A: A mental block.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind ?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: What do you say to a blonde that won't give in ?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning ?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning ?
A: Fertilized.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs ?
A: Unfertilized.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex ?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering ?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs ?
A: More leg room.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blonde ?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do blondes say after sex ?
A1: "Thanks, Guys !"
A2: "Are you boys all in the same band ?"
A3: Do you guys all play for the ?
A4: Who were all those guys ?
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob ?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks ?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: What important question does a blonde ask her mate before having sex ?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate ?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm ?
A: *Who cares ?*
Q: Why do blondes have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm ?
A1: She drops her nail-file !
A2: Who cares ?
A3: She says, "Next".
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares ?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear ?
A: "Thanks for the refill !"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear ?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes use tapons with extra long strings ?
A: So the crabs can go bungee-jumping.
Q: How can you tell which blonde is the waitress ?
A: She is the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: Why do blondes have more fun ?
A1: Because they don't know any better.
A2: They are easier to keep amused.
A1: "What's a lightbulb ?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady !"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine ?
A: "Daaaddy, I want to go to Miaaami !"
Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes ?
A: A wine cellar.
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes ?
A: Peroxide.
Q: Why does NASA hire peroxide blondes ?
A: They're doing research on black holes.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
,br> Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
a: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie
theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.